by Jamie Droke
Child Life Specialist

The loss of a child has a profound impact on many people. Of course, the people closest to the child, particularly those who live in the same house as the child, are often affected the most because of how the loss has changed many details of their everyday life. Extended family members, however, can also face unbearable grief over the loss, even though this grief is often overlooked by others.

Consider, for example, grandparents who lose a grandchild. Their grief is complicated by the grief they experience while watching their child suffer the loss of a child. This can be true for aunts and uncles, cousins, and other extended family, who have suffered the loss of the child and now feel helpless in aiding the parents of the child in their grief.

I think we have talked about the stages of grief before on our blog, but it might have been a while, so here is a refresher, crash course on the stages of grief and particularly how these stages play out or affect extended family members. Just a reminder, someone who is grieving may experience these in any order, may move onto another stage and then return to a previous one, skip a stage all together, or stay in one stage for an extended period of time while hurrying through the others.

• Denial: This is often, but not always, the first stage of grief. For extended family members, denial often comes in the form of numbness as they attempt to simply get through the first couple of days, supporting the parents and siblings but not paying much attention to their own grief.
• Anger: This stage is sometimes experienced as guilt, as in a grandparent feeling guilty that the child’s life ended before their own. Sometimes anger is felt towards God, medical staff, or the circumstances surrounding a child’s death.
• Bargaining:  Extended family members often find themselves bargaining with God, that they should have been “taken” instead of the child that was lost. Some family members will make resolutions to be a better person if only the pain and hurt will go away.
• Depression: Sadness and depression is a normal part of any grieving process, and in my opinion, evidence of this stage is present throughout the entire grieving process. Sadly, sometimes extended family members do not feel comfortable sharing this stage with others. They may think they need to hold it together for the parents, or that by experiencing their own sadness they are detracting from the parents’ sadness.
• Acceptance: This final stage of grief is a difficult one to reach. Accepting the loss does not mean forgetting the child or no longer missing him or her. And for extended family members it is also complicated by accepting a change in the legacy they are leaving behind. Part of a person’s legacy is in their children and grandchildren, and to lose a grandchild is like a loss of part of your legacy. Acceptance means that family members are able to remember the happy memories of their lost loved one and regain a new normal.

If you or someone you know has lost a grandchild, niece or nephew, cousin, or other extended family member, give yourself and them time to grieve the loss in any combination of these stages. Listening and providing emotional support by validating their feelings of loss can help family members move towards acceptance over time.